A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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