Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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