That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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