I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize