??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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