I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
