I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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