Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize