I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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