i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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