i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
