I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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