I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The Olympian is in my bed
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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