It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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