Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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