I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
