i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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