When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
