Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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