At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
