Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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