Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Sext me about skeletons
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
