beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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