never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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