Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you never un-have a 4some
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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