This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am mentally ready for anal.
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