please come you make the beer taste better
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
