I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
