so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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