Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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