made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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