is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
