ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize