I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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