i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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