I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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