I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
