the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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