you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
