i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
