Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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