You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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