I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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