is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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