On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
