I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
