I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
