I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize