haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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