Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
