Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's shark week go big or go home
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
