You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
