Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
