I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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