dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
