I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
