someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
