when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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