remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
