I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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