Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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