Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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