I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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