I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
