I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
