i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
