Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she smelled like a LAN party
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
