woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
