I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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